watch

I know we're coming closer to the end of whatever this has been.
When you're 16 you don't know what forever means.
When you are 23 you couldn't be more sorry to say
that after all this growing up together all the good has gone away.
Sometimes the boys that should be yours best friends become strangers with familiar faces.

2010-08-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

I can feel the crazies coming on again. I reeeally hope this one doesn't last long.

i really hate palo verde beetles

2010-07-01T02:09:00.000-07:00

it's coming to me in waves and i can't stop it. i've never been addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana or any other substance for that matter. i've never been addicted to sex or rage. i've never been hungry or longed for something. i've never sought adventure at every corner nor have i been excited to try something brand new.

i've only ever been manic.

in the last 2 months i took a brain vacation in my mom's guest room. i've bought too many floral dresses and haven't worn a pair of underwear or socks that wasn't brand new. i've been to jail and didn't feel sorry for myself once. i haven't felt sorry for myself in a while.

i can tell what's going on here and i'm sick of letting everyone into my business and get their own piece of the action. this is mine and i want it that way. i don't want to be the train wreck or the social fireworks that everyone watches anymore.

i want to wake up tomorrow and every day from here on out and concentrate only on myself and my own well being. i want to be healthy in both mind and body. i want to live in a tiny room all by myself and have it be mine. just mine.

2009-12-07T22:56:00.001-08:00

"i'd go into the bathroom and take all of my makeup off and he'd lean over and say 'god, you're beautiful'. that's how i knew".

2009-11-30T03:44:00.001-08:00

i'm a train wreck too boring to watch

2009-09-15T02:56:00.001-07:00

yeah, i probably shouldn't be talking to you anyway.

just gettin' all gay

2009-09-07T00:04:00.000-07:00

it's fucking me up.

i'm hollerin

2009-08-20T02:11:00.000-07:00

i been screamin'.

last person i screamed at decided it was more beneficial for them to walk home.

what's it worth?

also

2009-08-16T04:12:00.001-07:00

i want brown hair and the looks that came with being suicidal again. just saying.

those were the days.

stop.

2009-08-16T04:08:00.001-07:00

you're harder to get close to than i am.

mama never said

2009-08-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

there'd be days like this.

well, to all you vegans out there... i just watched a show about how breakfast sausage is made and, i gotta say, it grossed me out. now, if someone offered me a plate of breakfast sausage and some eggs in the morning i wouldn't say no, but i can see where you're coming from.

pancakes on the other hand? gross, always gross. except for the peanut butter pancakes from the disney cookbook. that's another story.

so tonight i was watching scrubs, as usual, and i was thinking back to my favorite moments of music in tv.

this epitomized that feeling for me. it was my favorite song at the time and was my favorite show at that time as well. i may be biased due to this aforementioned fact and that i was watching it with a great friend of mine who felt the same way but it still got me thinking. to all you readers... if any show has ever encompassed great music and dramatics, please share!

you know i

2009-08-09T01:45:00.000-07:00

thug em hug em love em leave em but i don't fucking need em

i feel dumb. i'm always tired. all i know is that i'm really into the people i associate myself with these days.

"i like your glasses!" - mom
"really?!" - me
"no, i hate them" - mom

hi bloggy.

2009-08-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

since i last updated i've

gone blonde
ordered new glasses
officially started my job
watched a lot of "roseanne"
lived with my mom
house sat for my dad
lived with my mom again
got in a fight... or something
moved out of my house
gotten 2 flats
had a tire blow out
made a nice fish dinner
ate a nice steak dinner
made a mess
cleaned a few messes
moved my big stupid yellow couch
watched godzilla
lost my id
lost my debit card
found my debit card
found it after i ordered a new one
drank lots of water
called in to work twice
missed my nuerologist appointment

whoa... didn't even mention:
had a seizure
cracked my head open in walgreens
got rushed to the hospital
got 3 staples in my head
got 3 staples removed from my head
now have an awesome bald spot
got an mri
cried in the stupid tiny mri tube

hopefully i'll be back soon with more coherent posts.
to the bank! and discount tire! and the dmv! fuck you, 5pm.

SMOG

2009-06-19T10:33:00.001-07:00

I DO NOT HATE YOU I LOVE YOU. I AM A HORRIBLE BLOGGER NOW THAT I HAVE A JOB AND AM ALWAYS "BUSY". I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY. PLEASE HANG OUT WITH ME THIS WEEKEND.

mmm what you say

2009-06-16T03:39:00.000-07:00

i know that after almost a month i should be posting about important life events but...

i really like it when guys try to give me eyes at work and convenience store lines. i want to tell them "you don't even know what i've got at home". they'll never know. but i can keep that secret hidden in my little smile. :)

i simply

2009-05-31T18:13:00.001-07:00

drink way too much, way too often.

SMOG

2009-05-30T07:49:00.000-07:00

aka smorg had a GREAT party tonight and broke her "girls at her house" record sooo hard. it was great. cherry bombs, high life, red dog, fun pack of eegee's mixed with liquor, party bowl of snacks, people offering me cigarettes let and right?! BOTTOM LINE: if you've never met her... bye.

on a more hideously hideous note.... ME. i was looking through my gmail to try to find pictures of some holiday that i spent with my friend eric and ended up finding a bunch of pictoos of myself from last summer when i was teensy-little and felt pretty awful about it. for a while i was calling the weight i've gained "happy weight" cause i wasn't the spokeswoman for depression anymore. lately though?! i kind of want to sacrifice my sanity for a tube top. i know i talk about my weight way too much on my bloRg, but i simply cannot stop thinking about it. in the last 40 days i've only worked 4 fucking hours and have probably gained about 5lbs. i hate it. i feel so awful and disgusting. i weigh (probably) about 20 more pounds this summer than i did the previous one. even thought i weigh (probably) like 20lbs less than i did in high school i still feel awful. ugggghhhh. i'm not grotesquely obese of anything but still feel gross. i wish i had some sort of ambition of self worth or whatever it is that makes people healthy.

i've been im such a bad mood since i haven't been working (FOR 40 DAYS). i'm snapping at my friends and family and not answering my phone and have hardly left my house. i know that about 5 days into my call center job i'm gonna be like "i wanna quit my job and just hnag out at home all day".

thank god i can remember how awful i felt (without a job) on something as asinine as blogger.com. good thing there's somewhere to just spew it all for anyone to see.

as of sunday i'm a 44 hour a week woman. by the way... i get discounts on wideo games now so...

i feel like a super hero today!

2009-05-27T02:23:00.000-07:00

it's been so long since i've posted!

today!
-woke up at 9am
-took a drug test
-PASSED a drug test
-officially have a new job
-hung out with chris (bought me gas and subway), tim, jenny, ashley, natalia, and andrew
-officially have 2 jobs! (i started gamestop on sunday yayyyy, start call center on monday. double yayyyy)
-i can get discounts on video games!
-a girl trained me at gamestop. she flexed a little but i was totally cool with it. she was really nice.
-found out that FOUR LOKO exists
-made 2 mix cds
-decided i'm gonna get balloon bouquets tattooed on my thighs a la allyson (post due-date)
-loved errrrone :-*

best day in a while!
i can't wait until all this money stress goes away. thankfully i has boy to pay billz. i can't wait to pay him back with steaks and trips. july will be ultimate.

don't you know that everything's on fire?

2009-05-16T18:11:00.000-07:00

great great things!

yesterday i went for an interview at jason's deli. it was a total breeze and the manager didn't ask me any questions. she just told me how easy it is and that i would probably be really great at the job. she called me a couple hours later to offer me the job, but i told her i was going to wait until my TWO interviews are over on monday. THAT'S RIGHT, TWO! gamestop called me back! finally!

i came home and had a celebratory cocktail. i made myself a whiskey sour but didn't really like it so i melted a cherry otter pop and put it in there too. mmm so good. i just ended up making a huge batch of it to bring around with me. including 5 melted otter pops :).

then last night i fucking ping ponged all over downtown tucson desperately trying to follow the caravan to our next party. we ended up at some party where nearly everyone was wearing pink. i went up to one of the dudes who lived there and was like "haha wtf why is everyone wearing PINK?!" to which he replied "it's a breast cancer awareness party". i walked away with my tail between my legs.

today has been great. natalia and i watched the mighty ducks 2 twice and then grilled chicken wings! when i was lighting the grill my arm kind of exploded and i lost nearly all the hair on it.

i'm still really bummed about all the weight i've gained but i'm also still too lazy to get up and do anything about it! i only want to do things that involve my mouth like smoking, eating and drinking.

alright everyone is singing on mighty ducks 2 right now so i have to go hide outside until it's over.

TODAY IS SO MUCH BETTER!

2009-05-14T16:35:00.000-07:00

things that made me HAPPY today!

1. i have 2 interviews! i'm mostly excited about the one on monday. it's for a call center that does in-bound calls from people who are having problems with their pre-paid cell phones. 9.50 an hour plus benefits! YAY.

2. i have a cooler again! YAY.

3. i have a little bit more money today than i did yesterday and will soon be getting more! YAY.

4. tuesday night still sucked but last night was great. YAY.

5. prnzesa is still around but... what can i do? OKAY.

coming home

2009-05-14T02:19:00.000-07:00

just made it worse. still no apologies. still no helping out.

there's nothing special about boys who don't apologize

2009-05-13T17:44:00.000-07:00

i've been in such an awful mood lately.

THINGS THAT MAKE ME MAD

1. i don't have a job. i've applied at 25 places and nothing. subway doesn't even want me. DUMB.

2. my landlords. they fucking hate us. our cooler has been broken for 3 weeks and i've had them send their "repair man" out to fix it twice and nothing! this guy just yells at himself the whole time. like, loud. and it's way awkward and he doesn't even fix anything. it's fucking hot, mr. and mrs. webb. DUMB.

3. money. except for when i have A LOT of it. then it's cool. but i don't. DUMB.

4. last fucking night. DUMB.

5.

DUMB.

i'm never mad. i hate this. i just want to cry.

america can bye you

2009-05-08T01:09:00.001-07:00

i have a boifran now.
i have a borderline half sleeve.
i turned in 3 applications at gamestop today and i think the people might really like me!
i am broke. :(
i am planning a party in the abandoned house in my backyard.
i can't wait for prom themed 2 bit tuesday!
i have really deep set eyes and because of this
i always have dark under-eye circles
i have glasses that hide that but
i can't wear them in mac book pictures cause the glare looks dumb.
i need to take picz wif natalia
i might be drunk. SURPRISED?!?!??!?!

iCould have started every line like this and looked really hip

well this is the best thing i've ever seen.

2009-05-07T13:31:00.000-07:00

every morning

2009-05-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

i wake up and think FUCK I'M THIRSTY. i never seem to learn from it. i still don't buy myself a nice arizona iced tea or a hawaiian punch to wake up to. i don't even put a glass of water in the fridge for myself! but today was a very special day.

today i woke up and there was a 12 pack of ice cold orange soda.

because of this i would like to make may 6th national orange soda day.

"orly?!"

i don't know anyone that doesn't like orange soda. the ultimate wake up beverage.

r.i.p

2009-05-05T17:18:00.000-07:00

the most beautiful piece of machinery to have ever existed.

that car took me to my first boyfriends house, to my first good parties, to my first days of college, to first days at work, and to the houses of my dearest friends. sure, it broke down once a week but i loved it. sure, it smelled like cat piss for about 2 weeks but i loved it. sure, none of the doors worked for a while and i would have to crawl in and out through the sun roof but i loved it.

i'm not quite sure what possessed the teenagers of 1315 to do this. maybe it's because they're pissed off that i have 2 cars and they have none. maybe it's because they're pissed that i live in a house that's not on the verge of condemnation. maybe it's because they had already ruined everything in their own house and had to move to the yard. no matter the reason, it simply boils down to the fact that they had nothing better to do. now don't get me wrong, i'm not blaming the actual lease holders. i can't picture either of them taking a boulder, appendage, baseball bat or anything else to my windshield or anyone else's (wait...). but no matter how much i hear that absolutely no one was in the house when it happened or knows who did it, it gets harder to believe.

one of those people should have loved that car as much as i did. one of those people went everywhere in that car with me. one of those people got picked up by me and shared cigarettes with me and listened to shitty pop punk on the way downtown every night with me. i hope the way it looked in the day had some sort of effect on them. because i know it broke my heart.

when i speak of "everyone" who lives in the house i, again, am not simply blaming the lease holders. there are many people there every night and i feel that they all take ownership for the house in one way or another. i also know that they were either present during both counts of vandalism of my car and the stealing of other items or simply laughed about it the next day. i understand they all want to stick together like some sort of incestuous family and not let anyone take them blame, especially when it comes to hurting someone like me. but i hope they remember who they are. i hope they remember how much they've done to hurt and publicly humiliate each other. i hope they remember how they couldn't wait to get home to move someone from their #1 to their #2 in hopes the other person would see it. i hope they remember how much they've talked shit about someone via text when they were in the same room. i hope they remember the events of the past 48 hours.

we got robbed of our most prized, nostalgic, and unforgettable possessions. possessions that held more memories and great feelings for us than any pictures or home movies or familiar faces ever could. things that we were hoping would be around forever even if they were sitting in a dirt lot or a cluttered closet. things that those people took from us because they were mad, poor, bored, or all 3. i hope they can put themselves where i am. get into perspective. and just stop.

this post isn't for them. this post is for me. this post is the most mature and productive way that i can deal with this anger at this point. any comments from any of them in regards to this post is just admitting that they've read all 5 paragraphs of my weepy eulogy. and they're bored. again.

woke up sober, birds still a-chirp

2009-05-04T18:07:00.000-07:00

tired. DEAD TIRED.

today i went to court for like 3 hours for ***** ****'s ***. there were some foul mouthed home boys sitting behind us that wouldn't stop calling the judge's assistant lady a cock sucking bitch. while she may or may not be a cock sucking bitch, it doesn't change the fact that you didn't have a license, proof of insurance, or an appropriate child seat for your car.

i went to 3 gamestops already and i'm going to the other 3 to drop off applications on my way to my mom's house. when i went into the first one the guy asked me how much i knew about video games to which i replied "enough". probably not a good answer. he asked me what i was playing lately and i told him "lots and lots of wheel of fortune on super nintendo". i don't think he thought that was too cool. but whatever. here's hoping they'll hire a girl who knows nothing about video games to work at a video game store!

good thing i don't have any food to eat. i'm about 15lbs heavier than i was last summer and these shorts and t-shirts just ain't fitting like they used to! oh well. since all the windows of my old car got bashed out i got to get at my old running shoes for the first time in a while so hopefully i can make use of those some time soon. when i'm not laying on the floor blogging. haha.

jesus, my under-eyes could use a touch-up.

ron howard

2009-04-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

this video is for smog, who has the coolest job ever.

and this video is for me because it's my favorite song and the singer looks like my brother.

also "the crow: salvation" is currently blowing chris' mind and i can't tell you how many times my roommate and i have watched clueless in the past couple weeks. among my most prized vhs' are probably "uhf", "last action hero", "return to oz", "heathers", "rugrats: tales from the crib", "ace ventura: pet detective", and "cool runnings". after i post i'll probably remember about 15 other awesome ones.

ashley is moving in tonight! she's on her way over here with her stuff right now. hopefully i'll have some first night party picz to post at some point.

now i must go back to having way too much fun on "ohnotheydidnt" and paint the nails on my right hand.

enjoy

2009-04-30T03:20:00.000-07:00

hi chris. i used your computorz for pictures and 4chanz. p.s. ask me what i heard.

i took drunko picz.

i feel like i didn't really become a girl until about a year or two ago. before then i wished i had been born a boy and even asked my mom once if i had been born with both parts. i've never been attracted to females or anything but always wondered why i didn't want to wear low cut shirts and wear make-up and flirt with boiz and why i didn't fall in love with jtt at a young age or anything. when it came to children's t.v. i just always had a crush on the boy in the glasses. it didn't matter what he looked like underneath them. i just always loved the boy in the glasses.

but back to the point. now that i feel like i'm finally a "girl" i feel like there's been a lot of making up i've had to do. i talked to a lot of boys that i had huge crushes on when i wore men's t-shirts every day and didn't shower for a week at a time and when i finally learned how to semi-flirt with them i felt so "lOoK aT mE nOw BoYs" about it but after about 3 sentences into the conversations i just felt really happy that nothing had ever happened. it's weird because half of me wants to be like "fuck you, you didn't like me before i got boobs and wore mascara" but on the inside i know that really, sum boobiez and a lil make-up made me way more confident and after i got them i sought out guys that appreciated that sort of confidence in a girl. not just the boobiez and the make-up.

confidence is the sexiest thing ever. being able to walk into a room and no matter what think "i am hands down the most attractive person in this room" works WONDERS. i know it's hard to flirt if it doesn't come naturally and all that but if you can just show someone that they need to flirt with YOU instead they'll feel so inferior and wonder why (even though you're not the most attractive person in the room) you're so cocky. cock. hehe.

at least i've still got that sum1 that appreciated me either way. blehhh. drunko ramblings.

time 4 summa dat bed.

delirious?

2009-04-29T06:27:00.000-07:00

pissed. kind of? mostly just at myself. yeah, i quit my job. i had to. anywhere i work that makes me feel bad and like i may or may not be fired for calling in with PINK EYE in BOTH EYES is not somewhere i wanna be. i was supposed to apply for some sort of group home situation today for adult "developmentally disabled" aka retarded old people home but i was kind of freaked out when they said something about "bathing" and then REALLY freaked out about the fact that pat brought up that i would have to deal with boners. wow.

i don't even really remember what a jobless me feels like. i told my roommate a couple weeks ago that if i didn't have a job for over a week i would go crazy and wow! here i am! still awake at this hour! just setting myself up for the fact that i'm probably "not gonna have time" to apply anywhere tomorrow. bleehhhhhh.

i put in a few applications with chris' help the other day but just ran into pretty much everyone in tucson that has ever made me feel insecure. i hate feeling that way. but i'm trying to take a positive approach. instead of focusing on everyone else's faults i'm trying to focus on my strengths. that's been working well for me so far.

i'm still insecure in a lot of ways which "clack clacko" isn't helping... as usual. i just can't be confident and it SUCKS. URRGGGGGGG.

i'm such an angsty teen! but that's good in a lot of ways. i'm only 22 and if i don't deal with all this stressful emotional bullshit right now then i'm just gonna have to deal with it when i'm 35. gross.

all i know is that i'm stoked for job searching and the fact that (hopefully) no one will read this! i used to be a really great writer but then one of my closest friends shattered me every chance they got whether it was because it was the truth or because they've always been an insecure butthole. either way... the luckiest told me i should start writing again so here's my first attempt. at almost 7am... to the tune of jamie foxx. what could be bettter?

fünf

2009-02-16T15:39:00.000-08:00

POSITIVITY!

i'm so stoked on my naivety right now. so happy.

vier

2009-02-12T09:58:00.000-08:00

stoked!!!

my room is ridiculously clean. such a good feeling! so nice to go to sleep with the lights off and wake up in the morning with the sun peeking through the blinds onto a dust free environment. as we all know it will be back to a disaster area within the week, but it's nice for now.

i did yoga with my mom last night. the last five minutes we just had to lay down and the instructor covered us with blankets and we focused on just being. i admit it was a little awkward for me and i caught myself on the brink of the giggles, but i feel great today. the only thing i'm asking for my birthday is a gym membership. runnin' runnin'.

i requested time of for my birthday today but i have a feeling that i'm going to be stuck working overnights or something. i'm currently serving a 30 day probation period. : it's good though. it's the kind of thing that's keeping me in check and made me finally get all my driver's license shit worked out. hopefully now that i've got somewhat of an upper hand i'll start getting better shifts.

i've also finally decided on what i want to use to cover up my "stupid-17-year-old-at-fastlane" tattoos with. EEEDDD!!! save me from these east side scars!

oh well oh well. time to get back to work. 8]

drei

2009-01-30T12:13:00.000-08:00

mmm nothing like guilty pleasure adult contemporary alt rock at mom's on a friday afternoon.
i even dressed for the occasion

i want to be an angst-y 90's teenager so bad. so bad.

zwei

2009-01-26T14:33:00.000-08:00

i give myself very good advice, but i very seldom follow it.

here's some words of wisdom from a very unwise time:
"Aside from the life of romance though, seeing seasons shifting from blue to grey is just a reminder of repetition everyday. I would feel that I would want revenge and depression for everyone, but if I must feel that I am the only one unhappy. I would have to remember, if I am not sure who I am, what I am, or not sure of the life of love, I am not alone and no one is. "

so anyway. i'm driving myself crazy again. it's the one year anniversary of when i lost my mind and i'm afraid it's gonna happen again. i think it already is. i'm afraid of sex. i'm not sure what it means anymore. i'm so uncomfortable about the idea of it these days that i almost feel the need to call it "the s word". i'm simply not sure who i am anymore and trying to figure that out in the bedroom isn't the answer.

let's stay positive though. keep our heads up, etc. stay with me. be patient.

eins

2009-01-25T10:25:00.000-08:00

hi. i have a blog. and a hangover.

hi 2009! 2008 was hands down the worst year of my life! i lost my brain, trampled feelings, embarssed myself, earned a horrible reputation, and probably should have died at least a couple times. voluntary or otherwise. i became entirely suicide obsessed in 08. i wrote at least one suicide note a day and have a whole notebook full of them. they ranged from epic manifestos to punchy one liners. example: "i made one last mess". i liked that one. i know that my behavior over the past year has been anything but acceptable. the worst part is that i think everyone
thought i was doing it on purpose and i always wanted to be able to explain to them that i was just sad. i was so sad. my best bet from this point forward is to try to be a grown up and be sure to not rub it in anyone's face. progress is always better complimented unprompted. i'm done apologizing anyway. the ones i hurt the most were the ones i loved the most and they understand. it's just bored 3rd parties that still feel like it's necessary to mean mug me as much as possible.

i'm optimistic and i'm stoked for summer. it will be hot and i can wear shorts. and sunglasses! and i can eat popsicles in my car and swim while it's raining. mmm wonderful.